rediscovering eden
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Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours
dailies
Monday, June 19, 2006
-1:50 PM
He made my evening! Sorry that it is not the day. I saw him and the urge to just run towards him to give him a big warm sisterly hug was just overwhelming. It has been quite a while since I last saw him. I have always wondered about his well-being and how is he getting on in life. Despite his fathomless ways, I still love this brother. I did manage to rest my arm on his shoulders and give him a good pat though. Must catch up with him really soon.
I’ve come to this stage… that it is not surprising to see people around you fall. Even pastors, leaders etc. I used to think all Christians are close to perfect creatures. How naïve I was! We are humans and we sin. The issue is to get up and get back to God. I would rather be a Peter than a Judas. At the same time, I would like to be there for those who fell and drifted away. We are not infallible. We may talk about the ‘faults’ and sins of others but ultimately, should we not welcome them back? Instead of dwelling on their past, should we not be more forward-looking and love, love and love them? Kind of easier said than done. At least my mentality has changed. Am I a magnet for sinners, like Jesus? Far from it. Haha. Don’t put me down for my genuine effort, please. The only caveat is being indulgent in loving. What a fine line to draw!
Got myself a new mobile before my thumbs and fingers break. The key pad was giving me a lot of trouble ever since my dearest Esther baby dropped it twice. Made poorer. Then I am still trying to get used to seeing it and identifying it as my procession. The ringing tone, which button to press for what, which icon to go to for setting of alarm etc. Such a hassle! And what broke my heart was that my precious sms are not in my new mobile. Think I lost a few contact numbers too!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
-1:08 AM
I like to gaze upon the stars at night from time to time. I take pleasure in it when I walk under the pale moonlight. I enjoy it as I stood still and strain my neck in my kitchen. I realized as I fix my eyes on them long enough, I will begin to see more of them. The not so bright ones, actually. They will start to pop out instead of playing peek-a-boo. The whole sky will then seem to illuminate with a mysterious kind of radiance. Somehow, the otherwise dark sky gradually dazzles with hope. God’s creation, for my indulgence. Thank you Father God.
The past came flooding back recently. I need to assess myself. What do I want out of a relationship, if I ever step into one again? What do I look for in that special someone? What have I learnt from my past failed relationships? In what ways can I contribute to making it work? Am I scare to commit and what am I afraid of? God will not drop a man right in front of me. Do I need to look for him then? All thanks to Sugene’s play, which I watched at The Explanade. Got me thinking. Cannot be exposing all these at my blog. Haha.
Took a number of tests online and these are my ‘results’, or should I say, analysis… interesting…
People with a secure attachment style are warm, open and trusting. They are typically comfortable with themselves and show high regard for others. You tend to be an open and trusting romantic partner. You find it relatively easy to get close to people, and are generally comfortable depending on others.
You tend to be a cooperative partner with first-rate listening and negotiation skills. Above all, you seem to try to keep the lines of communication open between you and your significant other. In your mind, it's usually far better to talk about problems as they arise rather than sweep them under the rug. For you to really feel connected to your special someone, it's important that they hear and understand you. Ordinarily, you'll return this courtesy tenfold by paying close attention to your partner's perspective.
Naivete is not the best card to play in the dating game. You take what he says at face value, no questions asked. Is that a good thing? Well, it depends on the guy and the situation. You don't seem concerned that there could be an underlying message that he's secretly trying to convey. Remember that it's common for people to say things they don't mean, or to throw in a white lie or two to avoid an awkward situation. Until you know someone's intentions, it's smart to be a little skeptical. By no means are we saying that cynicism is the key to a healthy relationship. Not at all. But a small dose of it might be helpful in the beginning. Your first inclination is to assume that his words mirror his thoughts, which reflects your open and honest nature. That's a great quality. Remember, however, that sometimes he won't dare speak his mind. Hopefully, your straightforward ways will make him more inclined to follow your lead and communicate directly. In the meantime, however, how about trying to find a middle ground? An open mind mixed with a touch of skepticism might just be the best remedy. You'll be well on your way to cracking the datespeak code!
You're comfortable in social situations that fluster other people. It is, in part, this ease that makes you a catch for potential partners. Since you may tend to pass over a potential love interest too quickly, the key for you is learning how to not throw away a keeper too soon.
In your ideal world, you would like a relationship structure that is fairly well set — one that doesn't change too often. Although relying on this routine may make it more difficult for you to cope with the inevitable fluctuations within any relationship, you're willing to risk that so you can have a strong sense of stability, security, and privacy with your partner. Because you and your partner would ideally have your patterns set, you'd likely encounter little conflict, and would enjoy the freedom to do your own thing. You desire a comfortable balance of routine and independence, and as long as neither partner's needs are being ignored, neither of you would need a demanding level of intimacy.
You're the kind of romantic partner that others truly count on in times of distress. This is true because your logical mind allows you to remain cool-headed during crises. Because people look to lean on you, you will sometimes be viewed as a hero in your relationships. People who value your calm, rational nature will make a great match for you.
Being an ISTJ means that you are one cool customer. Although few would describe you as being warm, cuddly, or sentimental, many people likely see you as an important source of support in their lives. That's because when things are chaotic or falling apart, you're the type of person who can be virtually unflappable. ISTJs like you are known for being talented problem solvers. When it comes to your relationships, you usually know how to speak up for yourself so that others know what you want. But that doesn't mean you're rigid or inflexible. In fact, you're quite willing to bend for the right person. They just need to make their case honestly.
You're one of the more kind-hearted people around. You are unusually intuitive, and you probably understand yourself, as well as others. That also means you're a good mediator — though you may prefer to spend more quiet time on your own than most. Because of the self-knowledge you already possess, you are better equipped than many to steer your life in the right direction. Understanding more about the components of your personality will reveal unique information that even people like you might not realize. And the better you know yourself, the more confident you'll be making decisions that affect your life.
Friday, June 09, 2006
-2:18 PM
Read from the newspaper that the best Japanese food can be found in Bangkok. Think I must agree on this. While I was in BKK, my friends and I dined at several restaurants, of which one sells really delicious authentic Japanese food. They are very creative too. Imagine consuming sushis which resemble Hello Kitty and soccer balls! I remember asking for permission to take a picture of the sushi and was granted. Even took a picture of the menu in the Japanese restaurant.
I went for massages too, though some Christians may not be pleased to hear this. But it was really a treat after walking and shopping for hours. And it is not as costly as charged in Singapore. I even made friends with the masseuse! Think I connect better with older people. Haha. Explains my friendships built with my tutors.
BKK changed quite a bit since my last visit two years ago. There are more gigantic shopping complexes now. The kick (and eventually boredom and exhaustion) of bargaining with the stall holders seem ridiculous at times, given the exchange rate. I think the Thais have grown smarter too. Knowing that tourists go there for retail therapy and to satisfy their intense ardor for purchases (whether rational or not), they have actually upped the prices. I would say it is not really cheap getting things there, but there are some good buys nonetheless.
The salad or coleslaw sold in KFCs over in BKK has tuna in them! Yum yum! I simply love tuna. They have this particular drink which resembles Ribena. Same colour but slightly different taste. And they are brewed from flowers. Iris, I think. Delicious and thirst quenching. Have to make my own over here.
Sent the mission team to Lan Zhou last night, or should I say this early morning? Must keep them in prayer. So many things to pray for. My unsaved closer friends. My friends who are facing challenges currently. For myself too. Made a pact with someone to keep each other in prayers with regards to our life partners. In His time. In His time.
Will be kept a little busy meaningfully. Given more work to do for research for my tutor. Was offered $100 but I declined. I mean I did burn a hole in my pocket for the two trips but I guess all the research work require me to stay at home, and that means not being able to go out and spend money. It is for goodwill that I agreed to help initially so I turned it down. Yesterday morning, I even caught a rainbow just outside my house. What a pleasant sight! Reminds me of God's splendid creation and His promises. I also took a picture of it. It is just amazing to be greeted by such a marvelous sight the first thing you wake up in the morning. It is like Father God telling me that He created it for my pleasure, and letting me know that all of my days are beautiful with Him. Whao!!!
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
-12:10 PM
Back from Bangkok and Genting. Had a great time shopping in Bangkok. As for Genting, the rides were fun and I screamed my lungs out. But I think my friend (the sole purpose of why I embarked on this trip) still isn’t entirely over her heartbreak. In conclusion, I burnt a humungous hole in my pocket!
The unscrupulous private doctor had tried to con me. He extracted some tissues from the white spot on my cornea and sent for examination in a laboratory, and I had to bear the cost. Spent over $120 on the check up (excluding the lab reports) which lasted less than 20 minutes. But the whole ordeal in the clinic was enough to frighten me to death. He was so rough while he examined my eye and the whole process was so painful, physically and emotionally (not forgetting financially as well). He also made a passing remark that he wanted to give me an injection but knew I would not agree to it. He added that it could be some dangerous virus or bacteria growing on my cornea and advised me against going abroad. Traumatic experience! But I had no choice! It was too late to cancel my BKK trip.
Came back on Monday night and went straight to the Singapore National Eye Centre (SNEC) on Tuesday afternoon for a thorough check on my eye. It was a long wait. Saw ‘all kinds of eyes’ there. Mine was such a minor case compared to them. One man had stitches above his left eye and it was a rather bloody sight. One woman had two bloodshot eyes which I could not bring myself to look into them for long (why in the world will I do that in the first place?). The senior consultant must be amused at how paranoid I was about my eye, when I could feel no pain or itch. She told me that it was just a minor scar and totally harmless. It will fade with time. I have an appointment with her again in two months’ time, just to be extra safe. So I am still using the eye drop (which is actually antibiotics) which the private doctor prescribed.
Thank God that it was nothing serious and all those who prayed for me and even called up to ask if I am alright. Even my tutors in school showed concern. Had to cancel lunch with them apologetically because the private doctor had my eye bandaged up! Nearly burst into tears while on the phone with one of them, who promised to keep me in prayers. Then I asked,“ You mean you pray?”, to which he replied ‘sometimes’. This tutor, or I should say, friend, told me that he believed in the resurrection of Jesus, who came and died for his sins. Yet he is not attending a church. He had some really bad experiences with Christians. Been keeping him in prayers. I got to know through his email that even though he was assuring me about my eye, he was actually very worried. Have to thank another tutor who called and checked up on SNEC, persuaded me to go there instead of the private doctor. Else I don’t know how big a hole this big hoo-ha is going to burn further.
Then I headed straight to Genting on early Wednesday morning. Have to thank my friend for chauffeuring me there in the wee hours of the morning. The weather was fabulous up there. Now that I am back to Singapore (reality), the heat is killing. The scenery was breath-taking too. The terrains and fog remind me of God’s creativity and omnipresence. “Your hand is seen in galaxies, yet Your presence dwell in me, so vast and yet, You’re still within our reach”. Hm… … took pictures for keepsakes.
My Father’s love… Your grace is enough… what a timely song. How can we not forgive ourselves when our Father’s love and grace is so enormous? Pastor says he needs to drum it in… deep in. To be entirely and firmly entrenched in our body, soul and spirit, of our Father’s love. I need it… when so many things can be happening all at the same time. The assurance of His love, that regardless of what I have done, failed to do or yet to do, He is the same yesterday, today and forever. The fact that He said that he is well pleased with Jesus even before He did anything. I cannot earn His love with works. I am just so loved. WOAH!!!