rediscovering eden
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Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours
dailies
Thursday, December 28, 2006
-12:01 AM
Sometimes I think I know why certain people do not like to be at home. I was shot in my mouth again, by my own mum. It is frustrating. She thinks I am an omniscient and omnipotent being. Come on, I am just Gillian. She assumes I know everything. Told me to go and check up on something when I do not even know what she is talking about. Again, she insisted that I should know and do what she tells me to (as usual). She shut me off and entered the bathroom, leaving me all alone in the kitchen. Was trying to cook dad dinner and I felt like screaming at that instance! Why? Why do I feel like I have to please her all the time? She made me feel that I owe her the world and has to abide her every command. She makes me feel so ugly at times. She does not care about me when I needed her to. I have not seen her for a few days and when I do, she loads me with ridiculous requests. And she never does this to Justin. Why? She likes to shoot me with questions that I do not know how to answer. Where is Justin? When is he coming home? Where is he going? Then I am the middleman at times. For example, she will get me to tell my dad to settle his own dinner when both of them are at home. What is this?
It is so unfair, I think, at times. Then, I try to calm myself down and reason with myself to put her in a better light. Maybe she is irritated at work. Maybe it is menopause. She has not been taught how to be a good parent. She brought me up and provided me with the basic necessities etc. The list goes on. SIGH SIGH SIGH
Had turkey and ham porridge for the first time in my life. Sharon cooked it. Must say it was really good. Sumptuous! Too bad we can only have it annually. Haha. thanks for always availing yourselves (Tommy and Sharon) and your home for us all to gather and have fun. Too bad we did not manage to count down that Christmas morning but I enjoyed the Sha Ren game introduced by Ps Gordon. And who says I have the victimized look? Duh.
Was asked a question. What is the best thing that had happened to me in 2006. Frankly speaking, I could not pin down to just one. I am so thankful for many things. Is it not good to count our blessings in bringing this year to a closure?
Being Joash’s Jie Jie Godma, I must confess, is such a wonderful privilege. I pray that Joash will really grow up strong and healthy, like what Sharon always have in her saying of grace before Joash consumes his food. He is a superbly intelligent and endearing boy. Who can refrain from falling in love with him? Joash darling, Jie Jie Godma loves you so much! Thanks for loving me too, just like your precious parents.
Thank God that I am not running children camp in the capacity of a commandant. I finally get to enjoy the camp. AHA camp is memorable. The workload was distributed to many and new dynamics was created with new blood in the camp committee.
Maybe certain people have always been there in your life, just like the passing clouds. Maybe I never really took the time to know them. Eric (Uncle), Lee Ching, Pearlyn and Zhen Zhi - you splashed my life in NIE with colours. Thanks for sharing so much.
Got to know a few people better too. Really, it is through sharing of your inner thoughts and feelings that establishes real relationships. Sharon – you are one without false façade, which makes you such a blessing to have as a friend / sister / etc. You are so real and I really admire that. Not that I am artificial but I tend to not let my inner feelings be shown or known. High S, what to do? Di Di Dar Dar – thanks for taking my nonsense. Haha. Henry – you make me laugh. Zhiyong – you tickle me too.
You, yes you. Why are you so fathomless? Why do you seem so near, yet so far at the same time? Why is it that you seem to be sharing in depth, yet in superficiality as well? What is it that you want? What do you intend to do with your predicament? Friend, it hurts when I see you hurt. In spite of that, I am helpless. Can you pull yourself up, please? It is no use acting tough and pretending all else is fine when it is not. Fill yourself up when you are empty. You can when you believe. You will when you believe.
It is time. Time to start asking God for things that I want and desire. Most of the time, I ask on behalf of people. It is time. Time to sit down and list them out. Time to plead God to move his hands as I pray.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
-4:32 PM
Christmas is over in a flash. New year next. For most Christians, it is an almost bursting peak period, liken to the closing of accounts for the financial year in the commercial world. Enjoyed the caroling, although it was a mad rush because our group had to go to 3 homes in a night. There were many children in our team, which boosted the total carolers to 35, I think. Had a fabulous time narrating and trust me, I really thank God for giving me the energy and voice to do so. After the second home, I thought I was going to lose it. Been singing for almost the entire December. Phew!
The Christmas service was satiated with the gist of the season. The excitement, I could smell it in the air. Pity we did not take any pictures.
Food and presents galore. Most of all, love spoken in both tangible and tangible ways. Received this interesting book titled Can Cows Walk Down Stairs. Love the purple set of towels from Michelle. Guess many realized I have this soft spot for earrings and received 3 in total. Have to say this fetish is fading. Have not purchased them for a long time. TomSum gave me such a sweet present I felt so… haha… trying to remind me to be more feminine? Actually, I can be very soft and gentle... depending on who I am dealing with. Kekeke. Hand made and customized gifts from Didi Dardar, Tong and Daphne. Saccharine seaon…
Sad to say, this festive season is not joyous for her. When a loved one dies, how can you bring yourself to celebrate?
Yet it must be delirious for another, who knows that her best gift from God is a bundle of joy. Having babies… argh… the best thing that can happen to any woman.
That man is ridiculously nauseating. His very presence irks me. His dangerously roving and ogling lusty eyes jolt any female into a state of panic. To think that my deliberate behaviour to maneuver away from him was not obvious enough? Yucks! Somebody get me out of here!!! Or should I say, get HIM out of here?
Made tiramisu. Looks good? Sorry, Henry, for breaking my promise to your mum. I felt so bad but there is nothing I can do about it. I kept my word but… … why? Why? Why?
Wendy gave me Genie’s (Sugene) Special Christmas CD. Love the song Because Of Love. So catchy and forward-looking. According to her, this song was penned with her inspiration from 1 Cor 13:13 – And now faith, hope and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love. The rap was kind of adorable and refreshing too. Still think she sounds better speaking or singing in English. Haha.
Shy Didi Dardar and blur Michelle kissed me on my cheeks. Heh! I do not just allow any adult to kiss me alright! Babies and children are exceptions. Didi Dardar and Tommy kissed Sharon too. It was so obvious who is her true prince. Haha.
Both Justin and Esther are baptized this year.
To think that after 2 years, I am still remembered for my crying and singing scene. Acted in a Christmas skit two years back. Was baptized then too. Just in that year, God made all my childhood dreams come true! I got into teaching. The skit provided me with the golden opportunity to act and sing. Never knew I could pull it through. God, you are amazing. Frankly speaking, though it was really hard work with all the rehearsals and preparation for children camp, I really love to sing and act. It is in my blood, I reckon, to perform? Well, someone told me that a teacher is essentially a performer.
Thank you Father God, for Your love so profound yet so within my reach. You made something out of me, who is fundamentally nothing. To offer nothing to you and yet receiving everything that I could ever dream of. You who gives me compassion and whispering softly and gently how much You trust and love me whenever I fail. Many times, just by sitting there in solitude and thinking of You, my glistering tears will roll down my face. I am of no worth, yet You hold me in the palm of Your hands and collect my every drop of tear. Some times, I wonder do I tear due to disappointments in life or because of Your fathomless love. My eyes turn blurry again…
Sunday, December 17, 2006
-3:37 PM
It was after Christmas caroling practice. Lee Ching left a sms for me. I guessed she was feeling extremely uncomfortable and probably suffering from excruciating pain as well. All the symptoms, according to her, remind her of a past serious case of food poisoning. And the worse scenario is – she was all alone at home as her husband was overseas. I rushed over. It was my first time. Usually, my sense of direction is atrocious and the fact that it was night time was not very helpful. I prayed. Asked God to speed me to her safely. God answers prayers! Very quickly, I saw her pale-looking face and vulnerability at her door. I did not really take care of her but I was just there. We chatted and she felt better after taking some oral medicine. It was past 3 in the wee hours of the morning and I was about to take a cab home. Lee Ching really warmed me with her hospitality. She made me stay over night. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Learnt another thing. How nice it is to feel God near you when you are most down. He does not have to say a word but your knowing of that fact that He never leaves nor forsakes us is exceptionally uplifting.
Have been busy. Many may be thinking this is impossible since I am having my holidays. But it is the truth. All the stories and anecdotes are to be unfolded gradually.
Caroling practices have commenced not too long ago. I must say it is quite fun though others may find otherwise. I sang consecutively for 5 days, including practice at cell and worship practice for Sunday Service. And I just saw my new cell member. My heart nearly jumped out of my mouth when I spotted him because he closely resembles my lecturer in NIE. But the similarity stops there. He was reserved and introverted.
Was pleasantly surprised by my tuition kids. They actually bought me a present, with their savings, in my favourite colour. They told their mother that I am a Christian (which is obvious, haha) and thus I celebrate Christmas. Saccharine sweet kids. Had a great time with them at Swensons when I bought them a meal there to celebrate their improvement in their grades. Not a wrong choice at all to be in the teaching profession. Alright, there will be still kids who can almost drive you to your grave but they are genuinely nice, I believe.
Often experience déjà vu and this really got me interested in the sermon preached by Rev Daniel not too long ago. Cell discussion on this was equally engaging for me. Coincidentally, went for a show with that name quite recently with Zhiyong. Boy, I must say he is impressive because he actually saw what was coming in the movie!
Had dinner at Fish & Co. with Tommy and Sharon last Sunday. Sharon loves mussels and calamari. I will give the former a miss at all times. The complimentary mints they gave after we paid for our bills are very good. I remember Weiling loves them. I had tried searching for them at all super marts but to no avail. Jokingly, I asked the waiter if they do sell the sweets, to which he smiled rather sheepishly and replied that they do. I went to the counter and purchased 1 kilogram of Endearmints. Veeerrryyy nice. Candy coated soft mints. Yummy. If you are into mints, get a sample from me. Not that Fish & Co. is paying me commission but good things are meant to be shared.
Experimenting with decorating on shoes recently. The school shoes are really comfortable but the personalized hand painted ones are rather costly, given the fact that I can buy a pair of plain ones off the shelf at $5. So, I went to Art Friend, got myself fabric glues, brushes and colour dyes. Will find a few khakis to go to Sharon’s place one day for some real fun with the shoes. But I was too excited and so I did a pair on my own first. Not the pretty pretty kind. Kind of abstract I would say. Going to paste the hearts (made from straw) which Shumin gave me, unto the shoes.
Had dinner at Café Cartel with Zhen Zhi and Pearlyn. Had a great time catching up and taking pictures. Promised to meet up soon. Well, I have to pass them their Christmas presents. I think this is the year I bought the most number of presents. Not that they are all costly but adding the total amount up can be scary. Anyway, it is the thought that counts right?
Just last night, I attended my first Christmas party for 2006. It was organized by Jonathan and held at a function hall at Uncle Stanley’s condominium. We had fabulous food. Sautéed mushrooms and prawns, turkey, ham, assorted sausages, salad, mushroom soup, cheesecake, spaghetti, biscuits with assorted cheese, cheesecake, chicken wings and drumlets, and log cake. For gift exchange, I received an adorable massager bought by Eliz. I took the chance to distribute some Christmas presents because I know I will not have the hands to carry them all to church on Sunday morning. It will an excited time of thanksgiving on Sunday!
I went gaga over him. Could not help it. It was uncontrollable. All the suppressed intense longing for him just came flooding back. I need to see him again. I need to touch him again. I need to hear him again. These are the results of catching a glimpse of my most beloved Joash. This is Gillian, for you. He seems to have grown just over a week! And a few of the youths refused to believe that I am Joash’s real Godma! I am! I am!
Finally got to catch up a little with precious Wendy. She brought another friend along. Very nice gal. As usual, I gave names to them. Jonathon (Mei Qi) is No Flag, Wendy (Xue Qi) is Snow Flag and Xiao Qi is Small Flag. Promised to meet up on Wednesday with the two gals. Pray that the change in Wendy’s working schedule will not be affected, else we have to wait for another chance to find out how we have been doing in life. I know she has not been having an easy time at work. This is an adult life in the society. Hope that she will do something about the challenges she is facing now, and that God will see her through it all.
Am super excited now. Going to Night Safari with the Yeung sisters and others later. I remember the supper we had after watching Sister Anna’s performance. It was exceedingly fun as we were all crappy. It can sometimes take a lot to have people let down their hair totally and be real with you. That is the Yeung sisters for you.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
-11:18 PM
Ah Di Dar Dar
Went for the last corporate prayer and was surprised to see Ah Di Dar Dar quite alone, without the company of the usual gals. When I expressed my amazement to him, he said he was there for God, not men. A rather politically correct response and I do hope he meant it from his heart. At that instance, I thought for a while. How many of them are there for the same sole purpose? I was proud of Ah Di. Am sure God must be very pleased with him too.
Sakae Dinner
Flooded with silly behaviours. We played with food, made funny faces and snapped pictures. We placed a pack of tissue on the conveyor belt and saw a customer take and put it back in amusement. Ludwig took the menu and posed with it, as if he was reading from a big book. Think he enjoyed the softshell crab sushi. Haven’t seen Chris laugh so heartily for a long time. We were astounded to find mini mushrooms in my cup of steamed pumpkin with egg. A new addition to the menu and it is pretty good. Ludwig refused to believe that the green roe sushi is wasabi flavoured, so he tried. Haha. how can I be wrong? Okay, better not sound too full of myself. Hehe. I was actually duped into eating it a long while ago and the aftermath is still lingering somewhere in my taste buds. To sum the whole dinner up, we were conducting ourselves in an asinine manner. But it was tremendously and exceptionally pleasurable. We let down our hair and boy did it fly. Kekeke. Did I mention getting messy too?
AHA Camp 06
Like what I mentioned during the last night’s debrief, this is the only camp that I was not as involved as compared to past years. I was still planning and executing stuff but the load was distributed to many. Saw how a few youths really care for the children. This year’s camp is very interesting. New hands. New camp site. New committee. New synergy. Woah!
Cindy and Xin Ying were most outstanding when it comes to being a good shepherd for his sheep. Camp Mama and Michelle were very good with details, which really freed the rest to do their best in their area of responsibility. Camp Papa is as usual heartwarming and humourous. The teachers managed their group of kids in their own unique ways. Strange procedures were invented. Praise and worship sessions were fantastic. Same goes for the teachings. Huiyun’s sharing really hits the hearts. Henry’s presentation explicitly tells of God’s omnipotence, omniscience and creativity. God is… …
I must admit I was inadequate about leading praise and worship. Thank God He pulled me through. Haha. it was quite an experience. Was arrowed to plan for the last dinner’s program with Henry. We stayed till around 4.30 in the morning to come up with ideas and do the posters for advertisement’s sake, to hype up the excitement level. It was pure fun working with him though it was an alien idea. Weird combination but effectively potent? Haha. I love the tambourine dance. The most astounding feat? Sleeping less than 10 hours for 3 nights. This is my finest record in 26 years. Oops, there goes my age.
Suffering from lack of rest. Tried catching up but failed miserably. There is always so much to do but so little time. Got the Christmas gifts almost all ready but have yet commence on the wrapping. I want to go JB to shop. I want to visit my dear friend, Ser Ser, and my aunt. I want to bake and try new recipes. I want to visit the dentist. I want to go KTV. I want to organize an outing to bring some of my friends together. I want to have more time to play with Joash. I want to go on a short getaway from here. I want to… …
