rediscovering eden
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Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours
dailies
Thursday, December 28, 2006
-12:01 AM
Sometimes I think I know why certain people do not like to be at home. I was shot in my mouth again, by my own mum. It is frustrating. She thinks I am an omniscient and omnipotent being. Come on, I am just Gillian. She assumes I know everything. Told me to go and check up on something when I do not even know what she is talking about. Again, she insisted that I should know and do what she tells me to (as usual). She shut me off and entered the bathroom, leaving me all alone in the kitchen. Was trying to cook dad dinner and I felt like screaming at that instance! Why? Why do I feel like I have to please her all the time? She made me feel that I owe her the world and has to abide her every command. She makes me feel so ugly at times. She does not care about me when I needed her to. I have not seen her for a few days and when I do, she loads me with ridiculous requests. And she never does this to Justin. Why? She likes to shoot me with questions that I do not know how to answer. Where is Justin? When is he coming home? Where is he going? Then I am the middleman at times. For example, she will get me to tell my dad to settle his own dinner when both of them are at home. What is this?
It is so unfair, I think, at times. Then, I try to calm myself down and reason with myself to put her in a better light. Maybe she is irritated at work. Maybe it is menopause. She has not been taught how to be a good parent. She brought me up and provided me with the basic necessities etc. The list goes on. SIGH SIGH SIGH
Had turkey and ham porridge for the first time in my life. Sharon cooked it. Must say it was really good. Sumptuous! Too bad we can only have it annually. Haha. thanks for always availing yourselves (Tommy and Sharon) and your home for us all to gather and have fun. Too bad we did not manage to count down that Christmas morning but I enjoyed the Sha Ren game introduced by Ps Gordon. And who says I have the victimized look? Duh.
Was asked a question. What is the best thing that had happened to me in 2006. Frankly speaking, I could not pin down to just one. I am so thankful for many things. Is it not good to count our blessings in bringing this year to a closure?
Being Joash’s Jie Jie Godma, I must confess, is such a wonderful privilege. I pray that Joash will really grow up strong and healthy, like what Sharon always have in her saying of grace before Joash consumes his food. He is a superbly intelligent and endearing boy. Who can refrain from falling in love with him? Joash darling, Jie Jie Godma loves you so much! Thanks for loving me too, just like your precious parents.
Thank God that I am not running children camp in the capacity of a commandant. I finally get to enjoy the camp. AHA camp is memorable. The workload was distributed to many and new dynamics was created with new blood in the camp committee.
Maybe certain people have always been there in your life, just like the passing clouds. Maybe I never really took the time to know them. Eric (Uncle), Lee Ching, Pearlyn and Zhen Zhi - you splashed my life in NIE with colours. Thanks for sharing so much.
Got to know a few people better too. Really, it is through sharing of your inner thoughts and feelings that establishes real relationships. Sharon – you are one without false façade, which makes you such a blessing to have as a friend / sister / etc. You are so real and I really admire that. Not that I am artificial but I tend to not let my inner feelings be shown or known. High S, what to do? Di Di Dar Dar – thanks for taking my nonsense. Haha. Henry – you make me laugh. Zhiyong – you tickle me too.
You, yes you. Why are you so fathomless? Why do you seem so near, yet so far at the same time? Why is it that you seem to be sharing in depth, yet in superficiality as well? What is it that you want? What do you intend to do with your predicament? Friend, it hurts when I see you hurt. In spite of that, I am helpless. Can you pull yourself up, please? It is no use acting tough and pretending all else is fine when it is not. Fill yourself up when you are empty. You can when you believe. You will when you believe.
It is time. Time to start asking God for things that I want and desire. Most of the time, I ask on behalf of people. It is time. Time to sit down and list them out. Time to plead God to move his hands as I pray.
