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Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours

-9:47 PM

Quite a handful of my pupils thought that I am a Malay or Indian again. Funny. Mentioned daffodils to my students during Science lesson and this song came to mind immediately… sad…

Vincent (Starry Starry Night) Lyrics

Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills, in colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how, perhaps they'll listen now
Starry starry night, flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

Chorus:
For they could not love you, but still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight, on that starry starry night
You took your life as lovers often do,
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Starry, starry night, portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls with eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the stranger that you've met, the ragged man in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow
Now I think I know what you tried to say to me

How you suffered for you sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will.


-11:51 PM

Still air hanging in a lonesome room
Caught in an opaque bubble
Trap me

I miss seeing you around (big joke)
When you are sad or down
Call me

The only sunflower in the midst of daisies
Dot of pink in a sea of blue
Drown me

Standing on ground and gazing up
Soaring like an eagle
Take me

Wooden planks lined neatly in rows
Spotlight shining fiercely
Watch me




-1:49 AM

Just got home from the failed attempt to surprise Sharon for her 7th year anniversary with Tommy. This challenge of ‘punking’ Sharon is once again, declared unsuccessful. As it is now past my bedtime, I am having difficulty sleeping though physically I am rather exhausted.

Had an interesting conversation with a few people just now. Would you prefer to love or to be loved? Why? Love, hoping that the feelings will be reciprocated. Be loved as it is less painful. Imagine having to tie the knot with someone whom you are not in love with. Alright, maybe your husband is not your first love. Perhaps he is not even the one you love most. But to live your life through with someone whom you hold no special feelings for is agonizing and dreadful. I cannot imagine. Too idealistic? Too unrealistic? Could this be one of the underlying reasons for increasing eligible singles? Whatever… …

I salute those who are bold enough to profess their love for their special someone. It takes a lot of courage to do so. Why? The risk of the aftermath of rejection. The risk of jeopardizing friendships. The risk of experiencing further emotional turmoil. Basically, it is the risk of opening a Pandora’s box. I do not think I can ever achieve that, at least, explicitly and overtly proclaiming my love to someone whom I admire. But in trying to contain all your admiration and love for that someone and bottling your bursting feelings, struggling moments are inevitable.

To love is to be vulnerable. It is opening yourself to the floodgate of excruciating emotional pain. The layers of protection to guard yourself are demolished. Perhaps you are tired of going through the process again? Having to move from one step to another, which seems so near, yet so far, is daunting? Maybe you are chasing it but it always seems to slip through your fingers? Uncertainty? Confusion? Misery? Yet this fathomless thing called love can make your heart palpitate and race with soaring sensations straight beyond what your mind can hold. If you allow it to, love drives, leads and nourishes you. L-O-V-E?

She said never to accept someone whom you cannot picture yourself staring into the very second you wake up. Did you laugh? I thought it is amusing. Then again, it really is quite a critical factor. She said that the ugly guys get the gals, but the ugly gals do not. What is ugliness? What is beauty? What is love? What determines love? What composes love?

I love, because He first loved me… …


-9:37 AM

Daddy is saccherine sweet. I cycled to the school the day before for my CDAC tuition class. To my horror, the brake was rather loose and I had to come to a screeching stop each time I met the red light. When I reached home safely that night, he asked if I had problems with the brake. I told him in a joking manner that I was glad that I got home alive. The next day, he came home from work and I told him that I could not have dinner with him as I needed to go for my tuition again. Immediately, before he even took his shower, he went out of the house. I was curious but did not question where he went. Then, I was ready to go. I took the key to the lock for the bicycle and stepped out of the house. There lies one beautifully touching sight. My dad was trying to fix the bicycle brake. I was speechless for a moment. Not that dad is not caring but he seldom cares this much? Too detailed, I would say. Still, I cycled to school, feeling as sweet as Manuka (top graded) honey. Wouldn’t you?


-10:40 PM


Did I forget to mention how handsome he was that night? Okay, he looks good whether he is in his checked shirt or simply wrapped in a towel. Who am I raving about? My Godson! He just had his first birthday bash and everything was just fabulous. I am so intrigued by his first tooth. Was amazed at how big his birthday cake was too. And his beautiful mama trusted me with some of the hongbao money. His home must be flooded with presents now. Cannot wait for the day when Joash can call me Jie Jie Godma. Haha.

To my NIE friends who are in the same XXX class as I am…

I used to be a straight line
But now I’m jagged
I used to be a binocular
But now I’m a microscope
I used to be white
But now I’m colored
I used to be a tulip
But now I’m a sunflower
I used to be a diary
But now I’m a mobile phone
I used to be a blueberry
But now I’m a strawberry

Hahaha.

Am almost relishing every second I have for XXX lessons, except towards the end when I need to rush off to another class. Very inspired by the little things that were taught or brought to my attention.

Seen my first class. There were a few familiar faces. Taught one girl two years back. Glad that there are more girls. Pretty quiet for a start, except for dear Oliver, who kept asking me which church do I go to. Hope my Wednesday’s class is just as great.

Managed to catch up with a dear friend. We took a big risk though. The time was well spent and very much savored. My fish and vegetables (my favorite broccoli) were too salty though. My dear friend looks very adorable when annoyed. Kudos to a stranger who was talking (or was it shouting) at the top of her voice in public. I was also rather surprised at some of the questions raised because no one really asked me about those issues. I felt so important and cared for. I mean, someone else, other than God is interested in my life. Whao! Thanks, dear friend, if you ever read my blog.



-1:00 AM

I think this semester is going to be very packed. Imagine having to squeeze 12 weeks of work into 6 weeks! Steep learning curve. And I am not exactly pleased to get a particular tutor. She is disorganized, teaches little related content and expects a lot from us. The only consolation is this will last only 6 weeks. I am trying hard to not find fault with her. Forgive me.

Then there are tuitions to cope with, along with other ministry commitments. Demands made on you by family members. Looking at the dates due for submission of assignments, it is challenging to enjoy Chinese New Year and Valentine’s Day. So what if I have no date for the latter since I am single? It is Friendship’s Day as well. Okay, got it. Many of my girlfriends and boyfriends are attached. Haha.

Woke up with songs again! I am super excited.

Everyday with You Lord
Is sweeter than the day before
Everyday with You Lord
Is sweeter than the day before
Every morning I will worship
Every evening I’ll adore
Everyday with You is sweeter
Sweeter than the day before

Over the mountains and the seas
Your river runs in love for me
And I will open up my heart
And let the Healer set me free
I am happy to be in the truth
And I will daily lift my hands
For I will always sing of when Your love came down
I could sing of Your love forever

I suddenly remembered a friend, whom I was very much hurt by, after the second song came. Somehow, I could feel that God wants me to forgive him. This happened in the morning. When I was checking my mail box in the afternoon, I came across an email with devotion on forgiveness. Nothing can be louder than this.

Went to TomSum’s place around 8pm. Many had gathered there to give our dear Timmy a send-off because he is going to the army on Thursday morning. We gave him a stylish haircut with lots of gel. He was very game for it and struggled little. Such a dear boy! Oops, I mean man. Tried for the first time, the fried prawn noodles, which Sharon mentioned much about, for supper. It really does live up to its name. The fried oyster with omelet from the same stall was mouth-watering too. We prayed for Timmy before we went back home around 12 midnight.


-2:19 AM

Went to catch Curse of the Golden Flower with Zhiyong after service on Sunday. Kena ‘caught’ by auntie Alice and her husband, who really embarrassed me to the core. He asked me if he is my boyfriend more than once and questioned me on why did I not hold his hand. Duh! Paiseh because it was quite an impromptu decision to watch the movie and I did not get Zhiyong’s belated Christmas present out. He passed me mine though. Lovely earrings. Is my soft spot for earrings that obvious? Well, it has really stopped though I cannot help from browsing through when I do see them.

Had dinner at TomSum’s place. Seems like we cannot get enough of all the gatherings. Look at the glorious food! Most of them stayed overnight and did not sleep a wink. Goodness! Had fun snapping pictures of Joash. Look at this! Does he seem like he is really attempting to communicate with us?

Decorated a pair of black canvas shoes for Rus. Pretty? Chose black for practical reasons. That will save her from some washing once the shoes starts to get dirty. And blue contrasts with black. Glad she likes them. Simple and not too costly but with lots of love from me. Hee.

That PITA almost spoilt my entire Sunday. Why can’t he keep his eyes to himself? Disgusting. Tim asked me to lower my expectations. I would rather stay single then be with him! Glad I had a good lunch with PC, Kelvin, Veron, Di Di Dar Dar and Di Di KK. Not that the food was fabulous. In fact I only ate $1 worth out of the $3.80 I paid for the bowl of maggi noodles from the Korean food stall.

They did not believe it. They never would have believed if they did not hear it for themselves. Jade, Jade… the pretty little gal who takes pleasure in meddling with my hair. Her gang of lovely gal friends were thinking that it was someone else singing if they had not seen me singing into the microphone. What a confession to make via MSN. She commented that I sound different when I sing. Actually many, if not all, of us sound different when we sing if I am not wrong. I hope I sound pleasant whether or not I am singing. Haha.

Went to Mustafa with Eileen and Justin on Sunday night. Feels kind of weird that school is starting tomorrow. I am not ready yet. Haha. Poor Sharon will be alone when Tommy goes for re-service. Not to worry! Joash’s Jie Jie Godma will try to bring her food and visit precious Joash at the same time. Miss you, Jo Jo!

-10:53 PM

I must say Kenneth is really talented. He made a wrist flower for me. You should take a virtual tour of the balloons he made, at his blog. Just by taking a look at some pictures of sculptured balloons on the web, he can immediately do a similar one. And his magic tricks are really cool too!

Look at Esther. She is so sweet! She really resembles a doll with her hair tied up in this manner. Getting more mischievous too.

Designed myself another pair of shoes. Looks good? It is black so will not get dirty easily. The cost price is definitely less than 10 dollars. Thinking of getting myself more. Haha. Must purchase the canvas school shoes first.

This pair of pink shoes is the modified version from the pair which I painted quite some time ago. It is size 39 which is a little small for me. Anyone interested to own it? I will just sell it at 5 dollars, which is the cost price. And it is brand new!

This may sound unbelievable but it is part of my life story. Guardian angel, this is kind of like dedicated to you.

I think it was out of loneliness when I called the chatline at 18? There sure were many despicable wolves out there but somehow I got to know Daryl. If I am not wrong, he is 10 years my senior and we started to chat on the phone innocently. He was there when I was down and out. He heard me scream on the phone many a times. Not to mention listening to all my sobbing and complaints. He showered me with encouragements and sprang surprises such as cards and gifts on me. When I needed help with projects, he was there to give invaluable advice. He called me on eves of holidays to send his well wishes. He taught me so much. Warned me not to be too easily taken in by people because I was unadulterated and gullible, because he had been through so much. I wrote to him and snail mailed him letters and cards. He shared much with me about his life too. I was there for him when he broke up with his girlfriend, ventured into new businesses, went through interviews, lost money when he was working as a trader etc. I call him my Guardian Angel because I can always count on him when I need him. He is so close, yet so far, because we have never met. Sometimes I wonder if he is just a figment of my imagination. Or is he really an angel sent by God to watch over me? Call me unappreciative but he is always the one to call me up to find out if I am doing fine. Seldom do I ring him up to ask about his well-being. Time flies. He seems to have disappeared into thin air. Wonder where he is now and what is he doing. I still remember his birth date and voice. That soothing and charming voice. Haha. I enjoy him singing to me in Chinese because he sounds good, at the same time, weird. He is more ang mo pai… jia gan dang… he used to say to me. In fact, he loves potatoes. I still have his cards with me. That sense of affinity is indescribable. He is my soul mate on a purely platonic basis. Guardian Angel, where are you now? I really pray that you are doing fine. Are you back to God? I know you were disappointed with Him. And I am keeping you in prayers. Wherever you are, I pray that you will have joy in your heart. And I want to say, thanks for always being there for me. You are still my Guardian Angel… …


-10:56 PM

Just got it again… from mum… when I have been barely at home for the past few days. Why? Why? Why?

Finished reading Every Young Man’s Battle in a few days. All thanks for being away from the PC and the persistence to want to know how guys are wired. To know that they are so ‘visually sensitive’ is kinda enlightening. Too bad, the weather in Singapore does not help them in their war against indecent exposures by females. Gals can help, really. Stop wearing those shorts which gives room to reveal your undergarments or clothes to uncover your porcelain looking skin. We never know what is flashing across the minds of the opposite sex. Sex is also mentioned. While guys give emotions to get sex, gals give sex to get emotions. Mind-blowing but if you have talking much to people, you will know that this is very true. Guys truly need to guard their eyes and minds. The book calls it purity. To venture beyond certain physical boundaries is equivalent to theft. Whao! Another earth-shaking truth well illustrated. When a guy touches a gal when they are not even married – you are stealing her from her future husband. Would you like your future wife to have been ‘stolen’ in this manner? Gosh! Even if you are just letting her image run wild in your mind, you are still stealing. Frightening yah? This book is a genuinely great read, not only for males, but for the females. Must get my hands on the book written for females too.

Just caught Night of the Museum with Stella. Hilarious movie. Nothing great about the plot (if there is in the first place) but the actions were great. There was a particular scene which reminds me of healing. A big strong man confronting another. This is what I see. Beyond that steel-like façade lies an empty space in the heart in need to be filled and showered with love. When that gap is not occupied by what it is meant for, we will try to hide it. That tough man put on a front, a front that turns unbreakable when you hit it. But when you stroke it with tenderness, it is as fragile and vulnerable as a piece of china. Are we like him? Are we afraid to show how weak and broken we are? Sometimes I am.

Nothing you can do could make Him love you more
And nothing that you’ve done could make Him close the door
Because of His great love, He gave His only Son
Everything was done so you would come

Come to the Father, though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives, He will take them all
The power of the Word, the power of His blood
Everything was done so you would come

I have no gift at all, I think. Not even a small gift. All I have are my brokenness and tears and pain. Yet He wants them all. Can you comprehend that? It is hard but by faith, I do, even if it is just a diminutive perspective. Many times we sing - Lord I offer my life to You – how much do we mean by that? How much, Lord? Only You know.

Gillian's slide shows

Gillian's Facebook profile

Gillian's pics

Gillian's alternative blog

Andrew's photo album

Daphne Toh

Daryl (Didar)

Delirious

Eileen Ho

E-liz

Emmie

E-van

Genie - Sugene

Henry - Ah Liu

Hillsong

Huifang

Huifang (Er Niang)

Huiyun

ieatishootipost (and it's all about food)

Joash (My beloved godson)

Jonathan Toh

Justin (bro)

Kenneth (my cousin)

Kian Kei (Ah Di)

Kian Kuen

Krystal

Michelle Ong

Michelle Tong

Nat

Nicky

Pamela Soh

Rachel

Ruby (my aunt)

Rusyinni (One buddy)

Samantha

Sharon (my godson's hot mama)

Shu Min

Simon Cheo

Stephanie

Terrance

Tommy (my godson's hot papa)

Tricia

Tze Ying

Wee Kiat Javern

Wendy

Xinying

Yvonne Chia

Alfiah

Claudia

English Master

Hui Ming (Mong)

Lee Ching

Marie

Mahathir

Mahathir's album

Michelle Tan

Satiish

Shuxin

Si Hua

Sultanah

Suzanne

Sylvia

Vivien

Lixin

Si En Grace

Xin Hui

Speak Good English

Free Rice

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