rediscovering eden
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Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours
dailies
Thursday, February 22, 2007
-2:13 AM
My precious Godson, Joash… …
My new nephew, Tyler… …
Esther with a pout… …
Dinner at home, with Eileen… … look at the abalone… …
Granny and her grandchildren… …
For his search on pants to be worn for practicum, I went shopping with uncle on Saturday at Takashimaya. He managed to get what he wanted. Come to think of it, I saw him consecutively for 4 days during this festive season. Haha.
Went to watch Protégé with uncle on Chinese New Year ’s Eve. Goodness! I was shocked by the crowd at Cathay Causeway Point. So I am not the only one who was not sleeping. I was charged an exorbitant $2.60 for a bottle of osmanthus green tea. Was frightened by a few scenes too. Never knew drugs are this destructive and injurious. Andy was suave throughout the movie, even at his last dying breathe. Louis’ superb acting skills were affirmed by his vivid portrayal of a revolting and vile character. The leading female actress looked ghastly and her acting skills are commendable. Great show! Uncle said it is my greatest honour to have caught the movie with him because he seldom watches movies. Argh… …
Went to Chinatown and stayed till around 4am. Again, the crowd was astonishing, though expected. Uncle and I each bought a titanic bag of nuts for a mere $3. I love nuts; explains my behaviour and state of mind most of the time.
Went to Ikea on Monday with uncle. Happened to see one of my tutors there, alone, having his lunch. Chatted with him for a while. Curious… why is he alone? Alone… Uncle had wanted to go to Giant to get fruits for his fondue but it was closed. In the end, we had to go to Cold Storage at Causeway Point to make the purchases.
I am not really keen to collect red packets from relatives during this time of the year because I feel a little too old for such blessings. Nonetheless, I accepted when I was offered. Haha. The maximum amount I received was $20. I told Justin that if I am still single this time next year, I would probably go abroad to spend my Chinese New Year. Well, he did try to get me out with Eileen for a game of bowling but who would want to play a huge light bulb?
Went to uncle’s house too for a gathering on Tuesday. Bought sushi, which Zhiyong helped to bring over. Such a fine gentleman. Met uncle’s bunch of nice friends whom I used to only see in photographs. Hit it off quite well with Evelyn. Then I went off to visit David and Penny. Had a premonition that I will see someone at the MRT and I did. This is not the first time anytime. But I am still amazed when I do see what I feel I would see. Haha.
Went to visit TomSum too. I miss Joash sooooo much. He looks so sharp and neat with a new haircut. And that brilliant smile on his face when he saw me! I would have floated off to somewhere if not for the fact that I wanted to carry him.
Finally, I am done with all my projects. Have to make my way to school to hand in the hardcopy though. Time really flies. Very soon, I will have to wake up at 5.45 am to get ready for school. Will be teaching Primary 2 English and Math, and Science to a Primary 4 class. Met my NSC. Seems like a lady with very high expectations and it is so hard to reach her (no emails and mobile numbers).
Wanted to blog about Ms Janet. Guess I will do it next time.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
-12:05 AM
Uncle bought this bouquet of lilies for me. So sweet of him. He called and asked me to meet him at the main road in front of my block. Said he had something to pass to me. This is the only pleasant surprise for Valentine’s Day. Haha.
Received an advanced birthday gift from Pearlyn too. As we will be starting our Practicum soon, there may be a chance of not being able to meet up in March. That explains it. It is a beautiful pair of earrings from Chomel.
Dear Rus gave me a gift for Valentine’s Day. Alright, more for Friendship Day. Even emailed me an e-card. So caring of her.
Had great fun playing badminton with Didi Dardar, Kian Kei and Xinying on Monday. It was a mad rush considering the fact that I knocked off at 4.40pm and had to reach Yishun stadium by 6pm. Played for 2 hours. Had to suffer for a few days from the aching muscles, especially my right shoulder.
Finally had my last lesson with Banana. Seriously, I took away nothing from her lessons except her very encouraging disposition towards any remarks and contributions made by pupils. I think the only lesson I will miss is DLK because Ms Janet is simply fabulous!
Not in the festive mood at all. But I am elated over the fact that I will be teaching in the morning session. Thank God for such favor.
Probably will not return to NIE canteen during my practicum. Will miss David and Penny (vendors for drink stall). They gave me their address and asked to pay them a visit on the third day of Chinese New Year. Haha. Many may be shocked at how close I can get to certain people. Weirdo?
Miss Joash so much. His smile has this magical ability to melt away the weariness and create joy from the bottom of your heart. His touch makes you feel human. Haha. Like the way he grabs my finger and chuckles when I shake his hand off. Must be like a game to him, just like peek-a-boo.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
-10:01 PM
Is the cheesecake lovely? Does it look like a sunflower (my favourite) because I meant it to be? Went to cell on Friday. Made cheesecake for my cell members because I was scheduled to provide refreshment. Eugene had 3 slices while Andrew only had 2. Ah Drool deserves to be scolded? Haha. It was a drag to go to cell. My selfishness at work? Feel that there is nobody to connect with. The Word part was encouraging but we are made for fellowship too right? On impulse, I thought of leaving where I am now at that point of time.
Compassion. More please. Do not want to do things for the sake of doing. Not with my flesh. Not because I think I am capable of doing so. I want to do it because I love Him. Anything not done in love amounts to nothing.
I have been feeling down lately for no good reason. I am able to smile and maybe tell a few corny jokes here and there but it is not the same anymore. The joy which kept me alive is missing. Why?
Could it be that I am burdening myself? When people confide in me, I have this tendency to load it upon myself. At times, I am affected by what is going on around me and my friends. Perhaps the nature of not knowing how to say ‘no’ has got the better side of me?
What a load of stuff to complete! My first reaction to Cleansing Stream. The daily readings from the bible. The homework of around 20 pages to do. The book to be read (4 chapters per session, I reckon). And the WISE program is commencing on 25th Feb! What about my Daily Bread? Time put aside for prayers? Argh… …
Frankly speaking, I am not even ready for Chinese New Year. And did I forget to mention that the 10 weeks of practicum is approaching? What is it with me? What is it with life? Haha.
Sounds bad yah? But guess what… I still want to give thanks to God. This is a time to discipline myself again. To be accountable to a group of people is beneficial. I may be doing it out of duty and responsibility but I am slowly starting to enjoy it. The feeling of excitement is returning! I feel Him close again. Not that He had left me. He promised to never leave or forsake me. But I guess I strolled away for a while?
Be positive! New revelations when I read the bible again. Questions in the ‘homework’ book reveals the opportunities for a stronger foundation. Having the company of saints to pray with and for me. The book is, as a matter of fact, quite a good read.
Guilty of building my joy on people instead of God. Guilty of not talking to him as much I could have. Guilty of running to one hundred and one other things instead of Him in times of need. But God is faithful. As I confess, He forgives. That is my Father’s heart.
I want to know how to love people better. I want that fervor to teach be not washed away by the systems and comfort zones. I want to wake up each morning with that bursting joy regardless of circumstances. I want to lose the inclinations to take offence. I want to lose the fear of the vulnerability to be hurt. I want to connect in depth with people. I want to know how to say ‘no’ without feeling bad. I want to lose consciousness of people.
Trials and tests locate a person.
Friday, February 09, 2007
-12:11 AM
Have you seen purple chili before? Dad brought these home from Perak and proudly showed me. My favorite colour. And they are really hot!
It is Pearlyn’s birthday today. Bought cakes from Breadtalk and had a mini celebration with her and Zhen Zhi in the school canteen. The cakes were pretty yummy but we had to rush through the eating because class was starting soon. Quite satisfied with the Bak Kut Teh too. Hope she enjoyed herself.
Uncle injured himself. He skidded on the road and both his arms and left leg were rather badly injured. Went to his house after school to help him clean his wounds. Could see his fresh flesh and blood was still oozing out from the punctured hole at his kneecap. Eeeks! Had to apply pressure to stop the blood from flowing continuously. Kept him company and Zhiyong joined us for dinner. Reached home around 10.30. Oops… did not manage to achieve much today with regards to work. But for building friendships, it is a WOAH!
Masquerade… many facades… you have not seen other sides of me. Cannot imagine I am pouring out to a 15 year old while writing this. He is so positive. Encouraged me. So funny that he tickled me too. Wise young man. Such a gem. Rare gem. Hm…
Enjoyed Ms Janet’s class. She is so inspiring. I think I am enjoying only her module for this semester. Imagine I was suffering from diarrhoea but I made my way to school just to attend her lesson! Power of a GREAT teacher...
Do you know that I do treasure you? I often remember the good times we shared. Guess I am too passive? Knowing well that there could be misunderstandings or miscommunication somewhere along the way but I chose to not do anything about it. Maybe I am just tired. Maybe I was too sensitive. Maybe I cared too much. Maybe I chose to walk away. Maybe maybe...
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
-1:17 AM
You don’t know me… …
At times, I can be… …
Dreadfully passive
Painfully shy
Superbly sentimental (garang guni)
Unimaginably ecstatic
Incredibly dramatic
Awfully stoic (to hide the greatest pain)
Exceedingly insecure
Pleasantly sweet
Terrifically gentle (really!)
Dangerously serious
Ridiculously friendly (to chat with strangers)
Intolerably chatty
Loathingly sarcastic
Detestably insensitive
Hopelessly blur (not into sotongs though)
Unbelievably crazy
Dreadfully quiet
Generously giving
Utterly foolish
Ludicrously fathomless (are you?)
Nat is leaving. Next is Paul. Soon, it will be Emmie. Who is next? There is a Chinese saying which speaks of the fact that there is no feast which never ends. Still, it hurts. They compose part of your life and memory. When they leave, they take a part of you away. Yet, we often take good times for granted. Thinking of this makes me cry. Perhaps people find it hard to comprehend, or even believe that such a big girl (ok, woman…) like me can be so emotional. Maybe this is why I am afraid to get too close or attached to people. The more you care about something or someone, the more easily affected you are by it. Your everything is hinged on those of insurmountable importance to you. Scary?
